this time last year, your were beautiful and perfect and everything i ever wanted, and you made me smile. you werent the same person you are now...

four days before our one year. and one day to ruin everything. this hurts so much, i don't think i can put it into words. i came back to this being the only way i knew i could get things out, handwriting things takes too long, and my mind goes too fast for my hand.


my stomach wont relieve me of these knots, and i can hold myself together for just a bit everyday till, i start crying again. tomorrow will have been our one year, and i can't even breathe thinking about it.


maybe this wasnt the right place for us both, but why can't i take it all back, i let myself get crushed multiple times by your actions and words, the words were worse. they just made your actions even more understandable, how did i spend a whole year loving someone who never loved me, who tore me down, and chose others over me. i shouldn't have been so stupid, and if i hadn't i wouldnt be here begging this to go away. i wanna fight the tears but i quiver, and cringe and i cant hold them in as much as i want too.
you always go back to your ex's and all the girls i had to deal with while we were dating, they were sending you hearts <3 while we were dating, must i have known but trusted you too much. its only adds to this pain. its only makes this that more unbareable, and the sad part is... you don't even care.

Thank god for chances. Thank god for forgiveness.





Up until recently I didn't know it was possible to love someone this much.
I don't ever want things to change.

I wish I didn't make such stupid mistakes. I am so angry and upset with myself. I really don't know what to do.

hi. im alive again, and back. now its time for me to really start writing in this again.



jane and I got a bunch of new clothes and stuff today, Kohls, Target, H&M
yes.



it made me so happy,
waiting for evan to get here now, hanging out with tori, fee, and jane.

daaaaance party tonight, just trying to get wasted.

i stopped writing in here for a reason, and i dont know what it is.



but this has been the closest i have ever been to falling the fuck apart.

its been too long.

I haven't updated my blog in over a month now. It's May 5th, and I never even had a recap on my trip to LA. Or where I went when school got out, where im going would have suited better. Or really where I have been..



Evan and I are together. That's one thing I suppose is for sure right now, and how much I love him confuses me so much everyday.



We both ended up fighting over each other, him with Adam, I with Kate, there were charges being pressed but she apologized and dropped them, saying I really had every right to be furious. Which I do and always will.

California was a month ago, but it was amazing. Bongs, and a unicorn bowl were my favorite items I brought home. Summers doing real good for herself and I am so proud of her.

I think im leaving out two important things, VERY important things. Things that have changed my life.

One being I moved into my very first apartment on May 1st. It's beautiful, and I love it. Kristen's my roomate and we are so happy to have such an big nice place :)


Second, we lost David Chung. I said we because I know how many other people loved him just as I did. I get sick thinking about the fact that I never got to say goodbye to him, or tell him how much I loved him. 16 years of his life were cut so short, and everyday Ill remember the memories we had, and his smile. Something that lit up a room. Something that could light up your heart. I love you David.


all for now, I know I've left out so much, but at least im updating finally.