texting

Today turned out better than I expected? Since I was drunk betwenn 5-7 I met alot of people in my dorms, I never would have. I hung out with a cool new friend named Laura and we ate toquitos. First time I have had them from 7/11 it made me happy. And then we had fun.

The day was shit, but it got better. Good enough to eat, and good enough to sleep. So now my stomach is not empty and neither is my head.

no title.

My stomach is empty.

And I have so much going on right now, there is so much that needs to be done, and accomplished its stupid.

So nostalgic, all the god damn time.

who im after?

Today was a fucking blur. A fucking mix of terrible emotions.

I want to supress everything that engulfs my mind, I want to be the light hearted spirit I am. I know they say nothing lasts forever but im so lost in my mind.

So today, I tried to sleep. I tried to sleep, all day. It didnt work though, my mind is to jumbled and my room is destroyed from last night. I guess my anger decided to come out. I just don't remember tearing everything apart inside this 5x5 shit room. So today, tori, briana and I went to chilis, I figured I needed to eat after eating nothing for the past 2 days. Even though tomorrow will begin another set of those couple of days, where I smoke so many cigarettes, and drink so much water I can fill myself up. I get comfort from the feeling of an empty stomach esp when I am empty on the inside.

After chilis we bought cigarettes, and went to Matt's house, who is keeping aslyn my kitten for me. Then we went to tori's to get aslyn and bring him back to matts. By that time, I figured I was going for the worst tonight, I went to felicias afterwards to hang out with her some on her birthday. I had to leave though. Jessie and her boyfriend took me to taco bell, then now I am here in my dorm. Safe, sound and sober. For now.

I am about to begin the journey, of learning how to not expect so much out of people. You can't expect good things out of anyone, because you will always get let down, no matter what.

I have realized that I set my standards entirely too high for anyone to ever meet them, they will always let you down, no matter who it be.

Give up on hope.

i am

so numb.

redbull & vodka.

First things first, its 6:36 in the morning, what the hell am I doing awake?

I don't know what im going to do about my kittes for today, the maintence is coming to Tori's apartment and I have no where to take them while they do come.. :( fuck.

Next, last night I was introduced to the most amazing thing ever, something I had heard but never done. Actually drink alcohol, and like it. Ha. What a joke. Me like it? YEEEESSS I DID.

Kate and Vanna showed me how to do these things called bullshits, with a shot of vodka and a shot of red bull, and my god you can't even fucking taste it. Nuts. I KNOW?

Im going to make breakfast in a couple of hours, I really need to get back in bed and sleep some more, I went to bed @ 2 after the cops busted the party on Cary, like they always do. And came home and passed out. The only thing was, is that I never really passed out, third stage sleep, no rem sleep, just crazy ass dreams, the ones you wake up to and have to decipher wether or not it was real. Well those were my dreams.

I guess you just can't sleep on redbull and vodka.

you'll never know.

Minus what I said before. NFG was amazing last night, as well as ADTR. Thank you. That's all  I needed, I guess with that kind of show it feels like a little piece of home. Despite the drama, or sucommbing to uncomfortable feelings it was overall good.

My throat is finally better. Now I have to get rid of my congestion and stuffy nose. Ewww.

I got to see Josh Smiz last night and his girlfriend who I got to meet too she was sweet. Hopefully they will read this :)

Ive been really stressed out the past two weeks. Two panic attacks in a matter of 6 days give some take some. It's rediculous. I just caan't make them stop, its like out of nowhere they come and hit me like a brick truck and then im sitting in my room for an hour heaving and crying..? I think I have figured out the causes of them, since I am such a introvert, I don't normally talk about my problems, esp. now that I am in Richmond. I don't have Blake anymore, or my mom, or Britney down the street to call or see and explain whats going on in my life, or at least get it off my chest. I just end up letting these things all build up then I explode. BOOM. And anyone that gets caught in my attacks, tends to think im just a little crazy. I mean maybe I am?

who knows.

re run.

I am sitting in my room. Which is quite a mess if you don't know. Its actually really bad right now, ahah. I have so much clothing and so much laundry to do its insane. I just dont even want to start it. I am kind of hungry too, so I might eat before I go to math class. Depending on what kind of time I have after I write. I am really excited about the show tonight. Because they are some of the favorties you know?

Lalalala. I really have nothing to write about right now.

I mean I have plenty of things I have to do, actually I have a huge list sitting beside me. I also have a list of shows beside me I want to go too.