Beautiful.

I got home yesterday and immediately arrived at Evans. After getting a speeding ticket in Emporia for 81 in a 65. Well fuck you cop.

When I got here, we exchanged gifts and he got me, Atoment(dvd), 3 things of my favorite inscense, Chocolate, an Ipod Dock for my car, an Ipod case, a pair of earings, and I think thats it. Im guessing he spent more on me than he was supposed too haha, I got him, two blue clear serato vinyls, a computer lap top stand for when hes djing, and 4 dvd's Biloxi Blues, The Fountain, Ripe, and Cloverfield.


We got buffalo wild wings after exchanging gifts and he loved it, which I told him he would. Then we came back to the house ate our dinner, and watced the Fountain, then Cloverfield, and the Aladdin ahaha.

It was an amazing night.


Today we slept till six, woke up and took showers, then went to Olive Garden for our over due christmas dinner. It was yummy.

Then somehow we ended up at Target getting sheets another pillow for his bed :)
hahah, tonight is my turn to pick what we watch. thats all for now.



tomorrow is short pump shopping, and getting my car fixed.

home

Im coming back to Richmond tomorrow.

Finally.

christmas eve, part two, and christmas morning

christmas eve got real intresting last night, not going to go into detail, but i ended up at waffle house haha with britney good food. but so cold inside.

anyways, stayed up all night on video chat with my baby love, and opened presents at like 7 AM, came back upstairs and showed Evan them and now I guess Im hanging out waiting for him to open his so he can show me what he got. missing him so much its making me crazy, but anyways. thats it for now.


got some new makeupz, north face jacket i asked for, plane ticket of course ! :) and i get to go to TEXAS! wooo fort worth to be exact. excited that saturday is not far away and I get to give Evan his presents and get mine from him already know i got some good chocolates! <3


gunna sleep for awhile today, but not too long.

christmas eve.

I want to remember this Christmas, just as it was. Stressfull, emotional, chaos, and ups and downs.

I have become nocturnal while being home, I don't really exisit in the sun light.
It doesnt feel like christmas at all, and I hate it. Christmas is supposed to be this excting holiday but since im not a child anymore I guess I just dont get excited like I used too. I already know my big present anyway. Its a plane ticket to LA for a week in March.



I already know my new years resolution too, exciting if it happens.

lately,

As of right now, I'm cold, drunk and missing Evan more than I ever thought was possible.

But lately I have been a litte crazy. I guess you would call it out of your mind. I never thought in a million years, I would admit I have been psycho. My emotions though have been up and down, up and fucking down again. One second I'm fine the next second I want to hit someone. I know theres something wrong with that, and my pessimistic attitude only adds to the fire. I feel like i've lost a lot lately, I have lost so much contact with my closest friends especially Leila. My best friend on the other hand has a new boyfriend and although I will say I am happy to finally see her happy, I don't think she is happy with the right person really, if you want my honest opinion. Now I am scared she wont move to Richmond, I mean what the hell am I saying I am scared she won't move there even without him. 

I've been home for a week now, and cryed my eyes out everyday i've been here except today and the first day I got here. I guess I have been an emotional wreck. And starting and getting ready to start my period hasn't helped.

Tonight cheered me up though, I went to Tre Benzio's with a few people then ended up at firebellys, and then to club Rhino to have the whole bar opend up to us for FREE, free drinks free whatever the fuck we wanted, it was quiet and chill and I liked it, I got to hang out with a few people and get drunk too haha, what the fuck.. I don't know how that happened but it did, I got Evan a djing "gig" there if thats what you call it for when we come home, and made friends with a really nice guy that spins there too he uses technics, it was nice to see someone else knew something I was talking about. His huge black dreads were cool too. He b-boxed for his girlfriend for awhile while I stared there drunkly smiling and having a grand time. 

I haven't talked to Evan in about 5 hours, its making me anxious. I dont fucking understand why my anxiety and the seperation anxiety I have gets so bad with him. Its something I can't quite pin point.

I just know, im ready for christmas to be over, my mom to be happy and for her back to stop hurting, and to go back to Richmond. God I miss it there, and I know when I get back I'll start hating it again, but for now, Ill just let myself miss it.

I realized no matter where I go, I'll probably never be satisfied, but hey, I can live with that.

I need to sleep now, mamas have surgery in the morning and I want to spend the day with her at the hospital when she gets out. God sometimes shes the only thing that keeps me going. Love her with everything in me. 

sleep.

Today

I want to ball up in a ball and hide forever, I want to break my phone so I can't call or speak to anyone, I want to lock my door and never come out. I want to cry till my eyes are swollen completely shut, and today I just wanted something to go right for once.

I'll never fucking be happy.

fucked up.

I guess I've come to the conclusion I am a fucked up person, head, body, soul wise. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. I can't figure anything out about anything anymore.