new name: Prince

new hair cut. thanks little T <3

I am productive. And maybe not so alone, a point has been made to me, I wanted to keep this thing updated with activites that I partake in everyday but I decided that was no fun.

I'd rather write what I feel, or what I think.

I'd rather be in Europe. Or California.

I really miss change.

  a simple weekend of having a good time.

im tired now, and want to sleep forever.

my heart hurts.

Do you know what it's like to finally breathe? For the past two weeks I have been driving myself crazy. exhale.

"Down the old staircase...I'm walking out the door. I feel lost here tonight, everything has changed since that summer before. Stumbling
forward...I'm glancing back. There's no one in the window begging me
to come back. The streetlights are burning. But I'm not yet ready for
this day to be done. Cause I always come up short. I'm always lusting
for something more. And so I push right into the night harder and
harder until my heart beats just right. Across downtown and over the
tracks. Exhaustion finally taking hold...down to the place I love
where nobody knows. Old photographs much too late at night. I Dream of
times I wish I could leave behind. And I always Wake up ugly and
dissatisfied. I've gotta change my mind. I've gotta change my life:get
down to the root of the problem:cure my misdirection:cause all the
laughs die at closing time and I lie awake wondering why I'm an all or
nothing kid and why I've been feeling like nothing all of the time.
Where do I go? Am I on my own?"



Modern Life is War once again, the band that pushes me through and always has a way with having lyrics that can explain exactly how I feel. I keep asking myself, what am I doing here? Where am I going?

this is the definition of no hope, this is the definition of the end of the road. lost, and no where to go. what the hell was I thinking?

Scorpio

Scorpio is the eighth Sign of the Zodiac, and you shouldn't take that lightly. You shouldn't take Scorpios lightly, either. Those born under this Sign are dead serious in their mission to learn about others. There's no fluff or chatter for Scorpios, either: these folks will zero in on the essential questions, gleaning the secrets that lie within. Scorpios concern themselves with beginnings and endings, and are unafraid of either; they also travel in a world which is black and white and has little use for gray. The curiosity of Scorpios is immeasurable, which may be why they are such adept investigators. These folks love to probe and know how to get to the bottom of things. The fact that they have a keen sense of intuition certainly helps.

It's the Scorpion which symbolizes Scorpios, and it's no accident. Much like the Scorpion would rather kill itself than be killed, those born under this Sign are the ones who are in ultimate control of their destiny. It is life on the Scorpion's terms, too, since these folks promote their agenda (they are quite the executives) and see to it that things go forward. Others may find this overbearing (it can be) and even self-destructive, but that's the beauty of the Scorpion: these folks have tremendous regenerative powers, much like the literal Scorpion can lose its tail and promptly grow a new one. Fearless Scorpions rarely lose, per se, they just keep on going, since they are stubborn and determined to succeed (this Scorpio trait is in keeping with the Fixed Quality assigned to this Sign). Scorpios work as hard as they do so they can someday sit back and feel satisfied with themselves. These folks are intense, passionate and filled with desire. They're also complex and secretive, so don't expect to get much out of them, lest they become suspicious and exit stage left. It's best not to bet against Scorpios, either, since these folks are surprisingly resourceful.

Scorpio is one of the most sexual signs of the zodiac. They have a mysteriousness about them that just seems to attract lovers. But, they are very sensitive and hate feeling vulnerable. They are highly sensitive, so if you try to take advantage of them, they will catch on quickly.

They are very magnetic and fascinating people who have no problem attracting others to them. But they dislike it when someone tries to dominate them. They must be the leader in every relationship or they will leave.

Scorpio women are emotional and loving, but above all else, they can be demanding. The man who wins the love of a Scorpio woman will have to be able to hold his own ground against her. She has no qualms with telling him exactly what he can and cannot do if he wants to keep her. What would make a man love a Scorpio woman? He loves her because she is amazing, mesmerizing, and irresistible. She can do it all - from entertaining in the living room and being exciting in the bedroom.

A Scorpio woman thinks very highly of love and she has no problem attracting suitors. When she finds someone she thinks is worthy of her love, she will turn on the charm. But she is not looking for anything casual, so if you are - look elsewhere. She desires a close, committed relationship and won't stop looking for one until she finds it. Once she does, she is a very faithful and passionate lover.

So far today, I have managed to lock my keys in my dorm again. Almost fall asleep in Energy. And now I am sitting in Sociology lab right now and it is the stupidest shit I have ever seen in my life, and I pray to god I pass this class.

I had lunch with Amanda and that was really nice, it is nice to know that someone else feels the same way I do sometimes.


Obama is offically now the president.

I read my blogs, and I feel like a fucking idiot.

oh yeah, and I lost my fucking car key today.

great job savannah.

There's lots of Realizations I am not ready to open up too. There are a lot of things swirling around in my head. I miss my mother and Britney more than I ever thought I could. My struggle in Richmond, has been the biggest battle between my head and heart I have ever fought. I worry about the choices I am making constantly wondering is this all really worth it- the money, the emotional distress, the erratic ups and downs?

and then, I have one of those. Hearts racing, Cant breathe, Heaving, Choking, and throwing up come right after, I have lost all control of my head. Re wire me.

A soon visit to home will make this a lot better. Maybe I will go home, maybe I wont?

This sucks.

I don't think I'm really happy here, and I need to figure out if I am or not this semster.


Maybe, Im ready to go back to Wilmington.

breathe.

I have fallen in love with this song.

Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn’t work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

Recap.

First Day of Spring Semester and it started out amazing, I have a new Focused Inquiry Teacher that I am so fucking excited about. And I have a one on one class to help get me off academic warning! Yesssss.


Tomorrow will be good too I think.

Saturday I went to Short Pump and had lunch with Evan his mom and his step sister, then we went to Urban and got some clothes and I got a pretty dress I wore to the dance party Evan, Gumby, and Anthony were spinning at, and that ended up being a lot of fun.
Evan and I adopted a kitty from the SPCA and his name is Travis, he's so beautiful and the sweetest cat I have ever met in my life, Im so in love with him.

I've been extremely lazy today, and havent gotten anything done really. Music wise downloaded some new songs. Evan has been down there working on Logic all day hopefully something good will be coming soon! :) I got Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner, even though the plans didnt work out as they were supposed too, I still enjoyed my amazing food, so good all the time. Im ready to move my stuff back into my dorm and im tired of it being all over the place in his room. I feel of such an imposer.

Last night was good

finally.

dance party at the camel, free, got to see some friends :)

I've

pushed through everything my whole life. I have made it through all the fucked up shit thats been on, and I continue to this day. I need a little motivation, an simple reminder that I am not alone. As much as I let people hurt me, you would think by now I would be ready to make it stop ready to be strong, but sensitivity and anger are my game. Im trying right now really hard. But whats one side without the other? Ill keep telling myself dont give up home, push forward, but how long till it crumbles again?


There was too much turmoil too deep inside.
Lost in the dark without our pride...there was a light at the end of
that tunnel, but we chose to shield our eyes. Could It be? Are we
seeing clearly for the very first time? We've been to the edge and we
know what it's like to want to die...and that's something we won't
glorify. We'll leave those miserable times behind. How far can I go?
I'm rising from the depths of my own hell. I don't need another tragic
tale. I need the strength to walk the other way. I found conviction in
my ever changing mind. I grew up tied down and bleeding on the inside,
but I know I was a victim of my own device, and I want to live to see
a brand new life.

we are returning to Richmond tomorrow which is Tuesday.

Class starts back up soon, and I am somewhat excited I guess.
Means the summer is closer and closer to getting my own apartment/loft/studio.

Spent.

I have spent the last 4 days with my amazing boyfriend in Wilmington, North Carolina at my parents house. Its been great compared to what I was expecting, a lot of weird accommodations I was never going to even think about happening ended up being the story. But this has been an uneasy trip for me for the sole reason of being home makes me so anxious, and the fact that my best friend is mad at me for a reason im not even sure about sucks. I guess thats how life goes sometimes it just sucks. I took Evan to Hiro's where he experienced his first Japense "in front" of you cook ahah, it was so yummy, liz joined us at that dinner. The next night we went again for my moms birthday which was really nice too and made me happy, because she means fucking everything too me. Yesterday I took Evan to Ripleys Aquarium in Myrtle Beach and we ate at the Hard Rock cafe afterwards, it was so nice. The best part about the aquarium was the flapping sting rays that we got to pet, so beautiful and so calm, I love animals too much for my own good. Hard Rock was nice too because I finally saw Leila after months and months. I missed her a whole lot too.

Time to back track on events.


New Years Eve was spent at the Camel while Evan was spinning.
Saw Pineapple Express finally with Evan, and Laura and Cullen joined us. Kinda a double date situation which was fun. Im glad that the four of us all hung out. We ate dinner at starlite before that too and it was nice as well.
I never wrote anything about 2008 like many people do, or I didnt even reflect on the year. But 2008 was a lifechanging year for me, I graduated highschool, got accepted to college, moved to college, lost a love but gained a new one, and made some new good friends, discovered a world I never knew about and many other things.


Resolution: Lose 25pounds before March 28th. When I fly out to LA.




today was un eventfull, slept almost the whole day with evan, best buy, then blockbuster. then movies, dinner, walmart, tv/computer, and here I am.
Im missing out on so much right now, but I think Ill continue to add once I see what I am missing.