this time last year, your were beautiful and perfect and everything i ever wanted, and you made me smile. you werent the same person you are now...

four days before our one year. and one day to ruin everything. this hurts so much, i don't think i can put it into words. i came back to this being the only way i knew i could get things out, handwriting things takes too long, and my mind goes too fast for my hand.


my stomach wont relieve me of these knots, and i can hold myself together for just a bit everyday till, i start crying again. tomorrow will have been our one year, and i can't even breathe thinking about it.


maybe this wasnt the right place for us both, but why can't i take it all back, i let myself get crushed multiple times by your actions and words, the words were worse. they just made your actions even more understandable, how did i spend a whole year loving someone who never loved me, who tore me down, and chose others over me. i shouldn't have been so stupid, and if i hadn't i wouldnt be here begging this to go away. i wanna fight the tears but i quiver, and cringe and i cant hold them in as much as i want too.
you always go back to your ex's and all the girls i had to deal with while we were dating, they were sending you hearts <3 while we were dating, must i have known but trusted you too much. its only adds to this pain. its only makes this that more unbareable, and the sad part is... you don't even care.

Thank god for chances. Thank god for forgiveness.





Up until recently I didn't know it was possible to love someone this much.
I don't ever want things to change.

I wish I didn't make such stupid mistakes. I am so angry and upset with myself. I really don't know what to do.

hi. im alive again, and back. now its time for me to really start writing in this again.



jane and I got a bunch of new clothes and stuff today, Kohls, Target, H&M
yes.



it made me so happy,
waiting for evan to get here now, hanging out with tori, fee, and jane.

daaaaance party tonight, just trying to get wasted.

i stopped writing in here for a reason, and i dont know what it is.



but this has been the closest i have ever been to falling the fuck apart.

its been too long.

I haven't updated my blog in over a month now. It's May 5th, and I never even had a recap on my trip to LA. Or where I went when school got out, where im going would have suited better. Or really where I have been..



Evan and I are together. That's one thing I suppose is for sure right now, and how much I love him confuses me so much everyday.



We both ended up fighting over each other, him with Adam, I with Kate, there were charges being pressed but she apologized and dropped them, saying I really had every right to be furious. Which I do and always will.

California was a month ago, but it was amazing. Bongs, and a unicorn bowl were my favorite items I brought home. Summers doing real good for herself and I am so proud of her.

I think im leaving out two important things, VERY important things. Things that have changed my life.

One being I moved into my very first apartment on May 1st. It's beautiful, and I love it. Kristen's my roomate and we are so happy to have such an big nice place :)


Second, we lost David Chung. I said we because I know how many other people loved him just as I did. I get sick thinking about the fact that I never got to say goodbye to him, or tell him how much I loved him. 16 years of his life were cut so short, and everyday Ill remember the memories we had, and his smile. Something that lit up a room. Something that could light up your heart. I love you David.


all for now, I know I've left out so much, but at least im updating finally.

refreshing.

today some what was, I suppose it may be the lazy morning, or the fact that I just felt happy because of what I woke up too. who knows? I really enjoyed one thing about my day and that was the sushi resturaunt that I went to alone around 4, so, the weathers beautiful here, and im walking down the street, I see the sushi place and go in through a beaded drapery across the doorway. its empty, and rather small, there is dollar bills hanging all over the walls with names and things people have written on them over the years. they asked to go or for here? I start to say to go but then realize this eager look on their face to have company, and even though I was all alone, I would be someone new to them, so I change my mind quickly and say for here. they older man of the 3 that were working pulls out a chair at the bar for me to sit in, I think, aw wow, how polite? Burbank is like living in a fairytale land. to make this story short which I want to do, the service was beautiful, they were so great, i sat there all alone listening to My heart will go on off the Titanic soundtrack, at the end I was given an orange slice with light icing on it and a thin cookie stick with pink icing. yum love it.

happy in California right now, sitting in the coffee shop waiting for Summer to get out of class in 20 minutes.

loving life right.



but stop digging these holes so deep Savannah before I throw you in one. Idiot.

downhill.

100%

Elizabeth Fritz, realize what a best friend she was. I miss her so much. What the hell.


Probably one of the only human beings around lately that I talk to everyday. And enjoy it.

This week has been very busy. Wednesday night was Influx, in Norfolk, and I had a really good time, and last night I spun for the first time @ Nara. Regardless of the amount of people that ended up being there that night it was a first good night for me, and I feel a lot more comfortable in front of people now. 

I've always been a person that loved to show my friends music and djing is basically that.

Anyways, Im doing good lately. No ups or downs really just pretty level. I miss home so much though, and I really miss my friends. But my mom is the most.

I leave for LA in 8 days. Can't hardly believe it.

I need this bath mat, my floor is repulsive.




This hotel is beautiful, and located in the mountains of Sweden, I wish someone would take me here, I need seclusion.

ps. this should be called "Savannah's Anger Blog"

why am I pissed off all the time?

and how come I don't want anything to do with you anymore?

Spring break started for me Thursday after my class in the morning. And a recap would be too much, I reaaaaaaally missed Wilmington though, and being home so much made me realize. I kinda hate Richmond a lot. And everyone in except for the few people I hang out with, everyone else can honestly fuck off. 

I have become pretty content with the haterz in rva, the ones that hate me for no reason and make up stupid bullshit about me thats not true. But who gives a fuck.

They are all fat, nasty, lame, or fucking straight up stupid anyways. It kinda makes me lol.

this has been the most relaxing, fun, good weekend with my family and friends.

spring break 09' competeing with spring break 08'

It's been a little stressfull lately. But I am in Wilmington now till Wednesday. MC came with me :)

I guess, i'll update this later.

thanks MC

Most of the time, I don't feel good enough for the people that I am supposed to be good enough for. I have been told I don't meet their standards or needs for what they want or what makes me happy. Ive been hearing this though since I can remember, so basically a lot of years.

My stomach is constantly in knots and Im ethier up or down.

It upsets me always.

as we would say

aLl h@terrrZSz b0unC3

its snowing outside. 8 to 12 inches. I have been waiting for this. 

The view from my window.

And this is has been the hardest past week for me, Im so emotionally drained I dont know what to do with myself anymore. In the morning I wake up and wonder if getting out of the bed is really worth it just because I know of the pain to follow later on. I am just ready to go home and visit and see people that I love and that dont hurt me. Good god. 

Ive been a violent rage and mess too. It was rediculous and has became even worse. I am just going super super crazy. And I know people are going to talk shit about me for the things I did, but honestly couldnt give a fuck.

guuuuush.

figure out why I made this small.

Question for Everyone.

What is a BEST friend?

I want to delete everyone from my life but except for five people, seriously... you kind of all suck. You are all mean, rude, hateful, self centered, spiteful, people. You don't give a shit about my feelings, and I know im sure fucking tired of caring about yours, FUCK OFF.

I am fed up with people making me upset, and people bothering me all the god damn time. I get my feelings hurt constantly by others, and its just about enough.

End of ---------->

Rant

after thought: "I mean it's the truth, but how juvenille it is.... Are they? Or me? Or are their actions?"

I haven't posted in a while, I've been out of town.

Im so gross right now, I need to dye my hair, wash my face, take a shower, shave my legs, make myself clean and fresh again, this week is a new beginning time to get fucking serious Savannah.

I'll update later when I have time, right now im in a rush.

I am slowly starting to forget what friends and real friends are, you know the ones who talk to you everyday and ask how you are? Or tell you they miss you. Damn shitty.

Everyone from home didnt make me feel as welcome as I would have liked, I doubt i'll be going back to Wilmington for awhile now. But oh well...

I am really sick, last night was retarded because of how drunk I was. So stupid.
and I hardly remember getting into my dorm last night, and the ride home from VA Beach.

I will have an interesting post soon, when I figure out what to talk about, thanks.

yesterday I coughed up blood, today I am going to start the stop of smoking cigarettes, because apparently they are taking control of my lungs, plus I dont have the money, this is going to be the hardest ever. period. i love my ciggys so much.


:(
goodbye newports, I think?

remember this? I dont.

KIDVID @ Influx Tomorrow night!

KIDVID Arrising Electro/House/Remixes DJ with a killer play list
he will be last on the 1's & 2's -making panties fall off since 1987



check out the new mini mixtape out today , heres the link ----->

http://www.zshare.net/audio/5577849226626eca/










HEAR IT LIVE AND IN PERSON ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT! And possibly The Camel- (rva) Friday night the 20th of February.

siq headache and chest ache that wont go away

christy said twitter so here it is?

http://twitter.com/SoSaucey

yeah its on the page

home in richmond again, but I guess I dont really consider this place home, after being in wilmington for 3 1/2 days. I miss it so much there already, and this weekend was good.

I dont have much to say right now, except that I need to shower and leave my dorm so I dont decide to sleep the rest of the day.

not much

to say lately, but I guess thats how it goes. Valentines day was Valentines day, I hate it every year, and I hate it this year, I hung out with my friends/family/and people I love. the inbetween.

new mixtape from KIDVID, I think everyone should check it out.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/55479048e7ae6674/
RVA Electro/House/Remixes DeeeeeJayyy.









I guess I am going to start adding in music things I enjoy, and basically whatever I want.

I can't do anything right. I'm constantly told I ruin everything good. He told me, and now you are. Way to go Savannah. And I'm so tired of letting something else control me.

What am I supposed to do, pretend like its not happening until I stop breathing and crying hysterically. Jesus.

PANIC ATTACKS: Panic attacks are very sudden, discrete periods of intense anxiety, mounting physiological arousal, fear, stomach problems and discomfort that are associated with a variety of somatic and cognitive symptoms.[1] The onset of these episodes is typically abrupt, and may have no obvious triggers. Although these episodes may appear random, they are a subset of an evolutionary response commonly referred to as fight or flight that occur out of context. This response floods the body with hormones, particularly epinephrine(adrenaline), that aid it in defending against harm.[2] Experiencing a panic attack is said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life.[2] According to the American Psychological Association the symptoms of a panic attack commonly last approximately thirty minutes. However, panic attacks can be as short as 15 seconds, while sometimes panic attacks may form a cyclic series of episodes, lasting for an extended period, sometimes hours. Often those afflicted will experience significant anticipatory anxiety and limited symptom attacks in between attacks, in situations where attacks have previously occurred. Panic attacks are commonly linked to agoraphobia and the fear of not being able to escape a bad situation. Many who experience panic attacks feel trapped and unable to free themselves.


SYMPTOMS: Anxiety can be accompanied by physical effects such as heart palpitations, fatigue, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, stomach aches, or headaches. Physically, the body prepares the organism to deal with a threat. Blood pressure and heart rate are increased, sweating is increased, bloodflow to the major muscle groups is increased, and immune and digestive system functions are inhibited (the fight or flight response). External signs of anxiety may include pale skin, sweating, trembling, and pupillary dilation. Someone suffering from anxiety might also experience it as a sense of dread or panic. Although panic attacks are not experienced by every anxiety sufferer, they are a common symptom. Panic attacks usually come without warning, and although the fear is generally irrational, the perception of danger is very real. A person experiencing a panic attack will often feel as if he or she is about to die or pass out. Panic attacks may be confused with heart attacks.


I want to meet someone, who can make these go away.

LISTEN TO:

Asobi Seksu- Familiar Light (Twins remix)

The Presets- Girl And The Sea (Cut Copy Remix)

Bloc Party- One Month Off ( Filthy Dukes Remix Vocal)

old favorite :)- Does it offend you Yeah?- Dawn of the Dead (Station X Remix)

and thank you.

hereeeezwe go.

^^ favorite ash tray :)

just realized how much i love it.

uh oh, is all I really have to say..

the bay.

they bay this weekend was fucking awesome, its conisisted of many things i am not able to mention on here ahah but needless to say we had so much fun, and putting a bunchha pot heads together is the funniest shit i have ever seen.

golf carts, boats, macaroni and cheese, mixed drinks, bongs, bowls, blunts, everything was so much fun. I am really happy Kristen and Jessie invited me , I needed a short break from Richmond.

and now im home and its nice to be back.

we are all on the edge.

downloaded Homesick the new A Day to Remember album, so amazed. So enlightened, and so optimistic, amazing what some music does to you, and the wonderfull memories it can bring back.




Don't blink,
They won't even miss you at all
And don't think,
That i'll always be gone

You know i've got you,
like a puppet in the palm of my hand,
don't you let me down

So run like hell,
sleep with one eye open
You can forgive or forget
You will tell everyone the damage done
Too bad you can't stop me
You can't stop me now

I'll be there just to watch you fall
So don't push me,
I've got nothing to lose

LASTFM

www.last.fm/user/Sauccy

check that shit.

all time favorite.

my headache won't go away

im ready to go back to North Carolina and see my friends and family
jesus

it wasnt supposed to be this hard

things, I want.

Rane Mixer, so I can learn how to do this shittttt.

2 Of these please to practice on! 

And 2 of these.

The interface box.

The most beautiful car I have ever seen, and the thing I want most. Of course.

Iphone!

New Macbook Pro.

Sony Cyber Shot.

So I guess I have a lot of money to be saving .. hahah. If I even had a job.

new name: Prince

new hair cut. thanks little T <3

I am productive. And maybe not so alone, a point has been made to me, I wanted to keep this thing updated with activites that I partake in everyday but I decided that was no fun.

I'd rather write what I feel, or what I think.

I'd rather be in Europe. Or California.

I really miss change.

  a simple weekend of having a good time.

im tired now, and want to sleep forever.

my heart hurts.

Do you know what it's like to finally breathe? For the past two weeks I have been driving myself crazy. exhale.

"Down the old staircase...I'm walking out the door. I feel lost here tonight, everything has changed since that summer before. Stumbling
forward...I'm glancing back. There's no one in the window begging me
to come back. The streetlights are burning. But I'm not yet ready for
this day to be done. Cause I always come up short. I'm always lusting
for something more. And so I push right into the night harder and
harder until my heart beats just right. Across downtown and over the
tracks. Exhaustion finally taking hold...down to the place I love
where nobody knows. Old photographs much too late at night. I Dream of
times I wish I could leave behind. And I always Wake up ugly and
dissatisfied. I've gotta change my mind. I've gotta change my life:get
down to the root of the problem:cure my misdirection:cause all the
laughs die at closing time and I lie awake wondering why I'm an all or
nothing kid and why I've been feeling like nothing all of the time.
Where do I go? Am I on my own?"



Modern Life is War once again, the band that pushes me through and always has a way with having lyrics that can explain exactly how I feel. I keep asking myself, what am I doing here? Where am I going?

this is the definition of no hope, this is the definition of the end of the road. lost, and no where to go. what the hell was I thinking?

Scorpio

Scorpio is the eighth Sign of the Zodiac, and you shouldn't take that lightly. You shouldn't take Scorpios lightly, either. Those born under this Sign are dead serious in their mission to learn about others. There's no fluff or chatter for Scorpios, either: these folks will zero in on the essential questions, gleaning the secrets that lie within. Scorpios concern themselves with beginnings and endings, and are unafraid of either; they also travel in a world which is black and white and has little use for gray. The curiosity of Scorpios is immeasurable, which may be why they are such adept investigators. These folks love to probe and know how to get to the bottom of things. The fact that they have a keen sense of intuition certainly helps.

It's the Scorpion which symbolizes Scorpios, and it's no accident. Much like the Scorpion would rather kill itself than be killed, those born under this Sign are the ones who are in ultimate control of their destiny. It is life on the Scorpion's terms, too, since these folks promote their agenda (they are quite the executives) and see to it that things go forward. Others may find this overbearing (it can be) and even self-destructive, but that's the beauty of the Scorpion: these folks have tremendous regenerative powers, much like the literal Scorpion can lose its tail and promptly grow a new one. Fearless Scorpions rarely lose, per se, they just keep on going, since they are stubborn and determined to succeed (this Scorpio trait is in keeping with the Fixed Quality assigned to this Sign). Scorpios work as hard as they do so they can someday sit back and feel satisfied with themselves. These folks are intense, passionate and filled with desire. They're also complex and secretive, so don't expect to get much out of them, lest they become suspicious and exit stage left. It's best not to bet against Scorpios, either, since these folks are surprisingly resourceful.

Scorpio is one of the most sexual signs of the zodiac. They have a mysteriousness about them that just seems to attract lovers. But, they are very sensitive and hate feeling vulnerable. They are highly sensitive, so if you try to take advantage of them, they will catch on quickly.

They are very magnetic and fascinating people who have no problem attracting others to them. But they dislike it when someone tries to dominate them. They must be the leader in every relationship or they will leave.

Scorpio women are emotional and loving, but above all else, they can be demanding. The man who wins the love of a Scorpio woman will have to be able to hold his own ground against her. She has no qualms with telling him exactly what he can and cannot do if he wants to keep her. What would make a man love a Scorpio woman? He loves her because she is amazing, mesmerizing, and irresistible. She can do it all - from entertaining in the living room and being exciting in the bedroom.

A Scorpio woman thinks very highly of love and she has no problem attracting suitors. When she finds someone she thinks is worthy of her love, she will turn on the charm. But she is not looking for anything casual, so if you are - look elsewhere. She desires a close, committed relationship and won't stop looking for one until she finds it. Once she does, she is a very faithful and passionate lover.

So far today, I have managed to lock my keys in my dorm again. Almost fall asleep in Energy. And now I am sitting in Sociology lab right now and it is the stupidest shit I have ever seen in my life, and I pray to god I pass this class.

I had lunch with Amanda and that was really nice, it is nice to know that someone else feels the same way I do sometimes.


Obama is offically now the president.

I read my blogs, and I feel like a fucking idiot.

oh yeah, and I lost my fucking car key today.

great job savannah.

There's lots of Realizations I am not ready to open up too. There are a lot of things swirling around in my head. I miss my mother and Britney more than I ever thought I could. My struggle in Richmond, has been the biggest battle between my head and heart I have ever fought. I worry about the choices I am making constantly wondering is this all really worth it- the money, the emotional distress, the erratic ups and downs?

and then, I have one of those. Hearts racing, Cant breathe, Heaving, Choking, and throwing up come right after, I have lost all control of my head. Re wire me.

A soon visit to home will make this a lot better. Maybe I will go home, maybe I wont?

This sucks.

I don't think I'm really happy here, and I need to figure out if I am or not this semster.


Maybe, Im ready to go back to Wilmington.

breathe.

I have fallen in love with this song.

Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn’t work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

Recap.

First Day of Spring Semester and it started out amazing, I have a new Focused Inquiry Teacher that I am so fucking excited about. And I have a one on one class to help get me off academic warning! Yesssss.


Tomorrow will be good too I think.

Saturday I went to Short Pump and had lunch with Evan his mom and his step sister, then we went to Urban and got some clothes and I got a pretty dress I wore to the dance party Evan, Gumby, and Anthony were spinning at, and that ended up being a lot of fun.
Evan and I adopted a kitty from the SPCA and his name is Travis, he's so beautiful and the sweetest cat I have ever met in my life, Im so in love with him.

I've been extremely lazy today, and havent gotten anything done really. Music wise downloaded some new songs. Evan has been down there working on Logic all day hopefully something good will be coming soon! :) I got Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner, even though the plans didnt work out as they were supposed too, I still enjoyed my amazing food, so good all the time. Im ready to move my stuff back into my dorm and im tired of it being all over the place in his room. I feel of such an imposer.

Last night was good

finally.

dance party at the camel, free, got to see some friends :)

I've

pushed through everything my whole life. I have made it through all the fucked up shit thats been on, and I continue to this day. I need a little motivation, an simple reminder that I am not alone. As much as I let people hurt me, you would think by now I would be ready to make it stop ready to be strong, but sensitivity and anger are my game. Im trying right now really hard. But whats one side without the other? Ill keep telling myself dont give up home, push forward, but how long till it crumbles again?


There was too much turmoil too deep inside.
Lost in the dark without our pride...there was a light at the end of
that tunnel, but we chose to shield our eyes. Could It be? Are we
seeing clearly for the very first time? We've been to the edge and we
know what it's like to want to die...and that's something we won't
glorify. We'll leave those miserable times behind. How far can I go?
I'm rising from the depths of my own hell. I don't need another tragic
tale. I need the strength to walk the other way. I found conviction in
my ever changing mind. I grew up tied down and bleeding on the inside,
but I know I was a victim of my own device, and I want to live to see
a brand new life.

we are returning to Richmond tomorrow which is Tuesday.

Class starts back up soon, and I am somewhat excited I guess.
Means the summer is closer and closer to getting my own apartment/loft/studio.

Spent.

I have spent the last 4 days with my amazing boyfriend in Wilmington, North Carolina at my parents house. Its been great compared to what I was expecting, a lot of weird accommodations I was never going to even think about happening ended up being the story. But this has been an uneasy trip for me for the sole reason of being home makes me so anxious, and the fact that my best friend is mad at me for a reason im not even sure about sucks. I guess thats how life goes sometimes it just sucks. I took Evan to Hiro's where he experienced his first Japense "in front" of you cook ahah, it was so yummy, liz joined us at that dinner. The next night we went again for my moms birthday which was really nice too and made me happy, because she means fucking everything too me. Yesterday I took Evan to Ripleys Aquarium in Myrtle Beach and we ate at the Hard Rock cafe afterwards, it was so nice. The best part about the aquarium was the flapping sting rays that we got to pet, so beautiful and so calm, I love animals too much for my own good. Hard Rock was nice too because I finally saw Leila after months and months. I missed her a whole lot too.

Time to back track on events.


New Years Eve was spent at the Camel while Evan was spinning.
Saw Pineapple Express finally with Evan, and Laura and Cullen joined us. Kinda a double date situation which was fun. Im glad that the four of us all hung out. We ate dinner at starlite before that too and it was nice as well.
I never wrote anything about 2008 like many people do, or I didnt even reflect on the year. But 2008 was a lifechanging year for me, I graduated highschool, got accepted to college, moved to college, lost a love but gained a new one, and made some new good friends, discovered a world I never knew about and many other things.


Resolution: Lose 25pounds before March 28th. When I fly out to LA.




today was un eventfull, slept almost the whole day with evan, best buy, then blockbuster. then movies, dinner, walmart, tv/computer, and here I am.
Im missing out on so much right now, but I think Ill continue to add once I see what I am missing.