Savannah Revis
Focused Inquiry Expo Essay
9/15/06
Growing Skin
It has been years of wondering, “am I good enough?” “Am I able to accomplish my goals?” Every child has insecurities, many more than others and that’s the beginning of the venture in growing skin; to become comfortable with who we are and to love the inside and out.
I moved around during elementary school. It began to lead me to many complications and more pain inevitably because I was starting over everywhere I went. I had to make new friends in three different schools over a period of five years. A miserable timeless transition that never ended had become the story of my life. By that time I was with my mother and my new “Step Father” We never really got along, and I was still battling wether I felt good enough to be his child. I was only used to my mother and being hers, just hers. Family members began to comment on my weight as it piled on from the sinking depression I had entered.
Considering everything I had been through previous to elementary school, childhood was easy. Sixth grade was when weight gain exceeded. Sharp words and tears learned how to go hand in hand everyday after school, they played a huge role in my life. The children in my classes would pick, nag, steal, and emotionally tear me down. Until now I never realized how hateful children could be. I was low. I was beginning to believe I was never going to be good enough for anyone. Soon we were all entering a world unfamiliar, something we didn’t know- middle school. The eighth graders were the rulers of the school. In this world they were considered the superior ones, and we had to follow their rules. We had to look up to them. I remember sitting in the halls watching them walk by and scorn at us because we were children compared to them. They had been doing this thing for three years now and for us it was not going to get easier.
The continuum of getting picked on was never ending. It just got worse, as the weight gain continued and puberty hit, the acne also arisen. Not only was I now fatty, I was pizza face. I wanted so bad to stop looking at my friends and wishing I had their perfect little bodies or perfect skin. I wanted to be someone else, but no matter how hard I wished I still woke up the same every morning. Soon I became violent, and angry with the world; I was hateful; I wanted nothing to do with anyone who cared about me. Being petrified of getting hurt by people I cared about became my biggest fear. Words: they had became my worst enemy and every word I could hear seemed to shoot me down bringing everyone that cared about me down with me. I learned how to use the words back, and eventually all it did was hurt more. What once were children were now young teenagers and they didn’t stop even when I fought back. I could be scary, I could be angry. They would never stop. I began to believe it was human nature to tear people down. I started to wonder why. What did I do to deserve this?
Although, the physical appearance was not where the emotional issues started; they were deep-rooted from child hood memories, and this is where it starts to get personal. I was living without a caring father figure and a young single mother who had to do everything in her power to make ends meet for my life and hers. The constant struggle becomes a down pour, raining on my parade. Since my father was never a big part of my life, I was confused. I saw all my friends who had these perfect family homes where everyone spent enormous amounts of time with each other and every child seemed to be getting the adequate amount of attention they needed. “Is there a reason I didn’t receive this?” In my discoveries it was all just the cards I was handed in life. It was a test of god, an obstacle for me to become stronger and to better myself in many ways others were not able too.
Eventually after my elementary and middle school years I was able to accomplish a great deal. I dropped weight, I made friends that cared about me and loved who I was, and I even had a couple boyfriends who I accredited to be “hott”. What teenage girl didn’t want to date a guy that was absolutely gorgeous? I had found guys that thought I was attractive and liked me for me and I continued to find them after the previous relationship would end. I still wasn’t finding myself to be comfortable with who I really was though. I was finally gaining confidence, and people liked me and people wanted to be around me. But I was still having trouble with being in my own skin and being comfortable in it. I considered myself a weak person, there would still be times where I would get picked on and it continued to hurt me, maybe more so then it had in the past depending on the content of the insults.
During all these periods of time all I was really looking for was acceptance, maybe acceptance from myself, but more so from others. I wanted people to understand what I was going through and to cut me a break because all they were doing was making it worse. When you look at a human being you can not tell what their life has consisted of or what kind of things that person has been through. To find these things takes time; more than just a couple of hours of sitting and discussing life. I feel like in order to understand someone you have to have an understanding of different lifestyles and where people come from. These people and children who had picked on me for so long had no idea what I had been through. This began to infuriate me even more.
Now, I am watching my younger brother Zachary go through the same thing. He is only nine years old, but believe it or not weight gain starts to affect children's self esteem at a young age. There were three young boys about his age that he played with everyday for weeks when we first moved into the neighborhood and one day these children decided to pick on Zach, which of course really hurt his feelings. Instead of running and crying like I had always did when I was his age, the hostility set in and he decided to punch one of them in the face. The parents of the children that were picking on Zach did nothing, they just banned them from playing with my little brother ever again. There was no recollection of why Zach might have done this to their son, they said their apologies to my parents and that was that. I watched this all happen in the blink of and eye. The fact that todays society is teaching kids it’s not necessarily okay to pick on children for being over weight but it’s acceptable and there will be no punishment for their actions is repulsive. I watched my little brother lose every friend he had in the neighborhood that month, it got so bad to where he could not ride the bus home because kids would call him fat and pick on him.
I feel like one day he will reach the point I am at; I have grown into my skin and learned to love everything about my body, from my acne prone skin to my thick hips and average sized waist. My heart goes out to him because I know how much it hurts and how hard it is to keep your head up when you have others bringing you down. But this is how children and people become stronger and that is through hard times, and being insulted or constantly let down. You will never grow into your own skin until you are fully comfortable with who you are and what you look like on the inside and out. One day I hope that every human will be able to reach this point and every child as well. The first step is to change how society looks at the body, and the most important part starts through childhood. Every parent should be teaching their child that it is not okay to pick on others for the way they look.
Everyone deserves to grow their own skin right?
