lately,

As of right now, I'm cold, drunk and missing Evan more than I ever thought was possible.

But lately I have been a litte crazy. I guess you would call it out of your mind. I never thought in a million years, I would admit I have been psycho. My emotions though have been up and down, up and fucking down again. One second I'm fine the next second I want to hit someone. I know theres something wrong with that, and my pessimistic attitude only adds to the fire. I feel like i've lost a lot lately, I have lost so much contact with my closest friends especially Leila. My best friend on the other hand has a new boyfriend and although I will say I am happy to finally see her happy, I don't think she is happy with the right person really, if you want my honest opinion. Now I am scared she wont move to Richmond, I mean what the hell am I saying I am scared she won't move there even without him. 

I've been home for a week now, and cryed my eyes out everyday i've been here except today and the first day I got here. I guess I have been an emotional wreck. And starting and getting ready to start my period hasn't helped.

Tonight cheered me up though, I went to Tre Benzio's with a few people then ended up at firebellys, and then to club Rhino to have the whole bar opend up to us for FREE, free drinks free whatever the fuck we wanted, it was quiet and chill and I liked it, I got to hang out with a few people and get drunk too haha, what the fuck.. I don't know how that happened but it did, I got Evan a djing "gig" there if thats what you call it for when we come home, and made friends with a really nice guy that spins there too he uses technics, it was nice to see someone else knew something I was talking about. His huge black dreads were cool too. He b-boxed for his girlfriend for awhile while I stared there drunkly smiling and having a grand time. 

I haven't talked to Evan in about 5 hours, its making me anxious. I dont fucking understand why my anxiety and the seperation anxiety I have gets so bad with him. Its something I can't quite pin point.

I just know, im ready for christmas to be over, my mom to be happy and for her back to stop hurting, and to go back to Richmond. God I miss it there, and I know when I get back I'll start hating it again, but for now, Ill just let myself miss it.

I realized no matter where I go, I'll probably never be satisfied, but hey, I can live with that.

I need to sleep now, mamas have surgery in the morning and I want to spend the day with her at the hospital when she gets out. God sometimes shes the only thing that keeps me going. Love her with everything in me. 

sleep.