Beautiful.

I got home yesterday and immediately arrived at Evans. After getting a speeding ticket in Emporia for 81 in a 65. Well fuck you cop.

When I got here, we exchanged gifts and he got me, Atoment(dvd), 3 things of my favorite inscense, Chocolate, an Ipod Dock for my car, an Ipod case, a pair of earings, and I think thats it. Im guessing he spent more on me than he was supposed too haha, I got him, two blue clear serato vinyls, a computer lap top stand for when hes djing, and 4 dvd's Biloxi Blues, The Fountain, Ripe, and Cloverfield.


We got buffalo wild wings after exchanging gifts and he loved it, which I told him he would. Then we came back to the house ate our dinner, and watced the Fountain, then Cloverfield, and the Aladdin ahaha.

It was an amazing night.


Today we slept till six, woke up and took showers, then went to Olive Garden for our over due christmas dinner. It was yummy.

Then somehow we ended up at Target getting sheets another pillow for his bed :)
hahah, tonight is my turn to pick what we watch. thats all for now.



tomorrow is short pump shopping, and getting my car fixed.

home

Im coming back to Richmond tomorrow.

Finally.

christmas eve, part two, and christmas morning

christmas eve got real intresting last night, not going to go into detail, but i ended up at waffle house haha with britney good food. but so cold inside.

anyways, stayed up all night on video chat with my baby love, and opened presents at like 7 AM, came back upstairs and showed Evan them and now I guess Im hanging out waiting for him to open his so he can show me what he got. missing him so much its making me crazy, but anyways. thats it for now.


got some new makeupz, north face jacket i asked for, plane ticket of course ! :) and i get to go to TEXAS! wooo fort worth to be exact. excited that saturday is not far away and I get to give Evan his presents and get mine from him already know i got some good chocolates! <3


gunna sleep for awhile today, but not too long.

christmas eve.

I want to remember this Christmas, just as it was. Stressfull, emotional, chaos, and ups and downs.

I have become nocturnal while being home, I don't really exisit in the sun light.
It doesnt feel like christmas at all, and I hate it. Christmas is supposed to be this excting holiday but since im not a child anymore I guess I just dont get excited like I used too. I already know my big present anyway. Its a plane ticket to LA for a week in March.



I already know my new years resolution too, exciting if it happens.

lately,

As of right now, I'm cold, drunk and missing Evan more than I ever thought was possible.

But lately I have been a litte crazy. I guess you would call it out of your mind. I never thought in a million years, I would admit I have been psycho. My emotions though have been up and down, up and fucking down again. One second I'm fine the next second I want to hit someone. I know theres something wrong with that, and my pessimistic attitude only adds to the fire. I feel like i've lost a lot lately, I have lost so much contact with my closest friends especially Leila. My best friend on the other hand has a new boyfriend and although I will say I am happy to finally see her happy, I don't think she is happy with the right person really, if you want my honest opinion. Now I am scared she wont move to Richmond, I mean what the hell am I saying I am scared she won't move there even without him. 

I've been home for a week now, and cryed my eyes out everyday i've been here except today and the first day I got here. I guess I have been an emotional wreck. And starting and getting ready to start my period hasn't helped.

Tonight cheered me up though, I went to Tre Benzio's with a few people then ended up at firebellys, and then to club Rhino to have the whole bar opend up to us for FREE, free drinks free whatever the fuck we wanted, it was quiet and chill and I liked it, I got to hang out with a few people and get drunk too haha, what the fuck.. I don't know how that happened but it did, I got Evan a djing "gig" there if thats what you call it for when we come home, and made friends with a really nice guy that spins there too he uses technics, it was nice to see someone else knew something I was talking about. His huge black dreads were cool too. He b-boxed for his girlfriend for awhile while I stared there drunkly smiling and having a grand time. 

I haven't talked to Evan in about 5 hours, its making me anxious. I dont fucking understand why my anxiety and the seperation anxiety I have gets so bad with him. Its something I can't quite pin point.

I just know, im ready for christmas to be over, my mom to be happy and for her back to stop hurting, and to go back to Richmond. God I miss it there, and I know when I get back I'll start hating it again, but for now, Ill just let myself miss it.

I realized no matter where I go, I'll probably never be satisfied, but hey, I can live with that.

I need to sleep now, mamas have surgery in the morning and I want to spend the day with her at the hospital when she gets out. God sometimes shes the only thing that keeps me going. Love her with everything in me. 

sleep.

Today

I want to ball up in a ball and hide forever, I want to break my phone so I can't call or speak to anyone, I want to lock my door and never come out. I want to cry till my eyes are swollen completely shut, and today I just wanted something to go right for once.

I'll never fucking be happy.

fucked up.

I guess I've come to the conclusion I am a fucked up person, head, body, soul wise. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. I can't figure anything out about anything anymore.

I have realized that in Richmond, I honestly haven't met that many people I feel I can trust. It's hard coming to a city and not knowing anyone and trying to start over and get people to know you and things of that nature. I have made so many friends, but to me they just seem like just people I know. Not people I feel like know me, or want to even know me, Im so eager to find genuine people, and so eager to make a friend that I know I can trust. With the walls I have built though, no one will ever get close, I just want someone to realize how much of a big heart I have and that I AM genuine, and I do want satisfaction with friendships, relationships, and anything in between. I have my boyfriend, and a couple girls I know I can really look too in times of need. For now, I will just say I am happy with that.

Richmond will continue to stay new to me, until I have really learned about the people I spend my time with and made my group of friends. I don't feel very close to anyone yet, everyone seems to be out for themself.

obliterated last night, payed for it this morning. good god, i want to sleep forever.


ftw today.

today.

I got my hair done, and before that went to Hibachi Express with my Britney and Danny. I love them both so much. Anywaysssssss- got my hair done its awesome. yeap.


And hanging out at Britneys tonight with people.

most of the time what you did just makes me want to curl up and cry my eyes out. or throw up, regardless either of those pretty much sucks.


when will i ever let it go?

it's so good,

to be home finally!

Christmas, is my favorite.

Went shopping today, got momma's gift.

Had a night out with the friends last night, at Firebellys! Yummm.

coming home tomorrow. finally.

the past couple days have been,

pure exhaustion, I realized I really don't like partying that much. Its fun, but needs to be done in much more moderation in my life because, Friday I was exahusted my body was weak, and all I wanted to do was sleep which I couldnt. 

Friday was really nice though, I went to Charlottesville with Evan and met his mom, then we went to dinner in downtown Charlottesville, it was a nice day. He dropped his new remix again last night it was amazing, and the crowd went even more crazy then they did on Thursday night at the Sky Lounge... I'm so proud of him.

I am going back to Wilmington, on Monday and I am so excited about it, I can't wait to be home for a good amount of time and Christmas is here. I am so excited. I know Evan will love what I got him for christmas. And I really can't wait to just spend some time with my family and friends. On the 5th,6th,7th of January 2009 evan and I are going to Wilmington and he gets to meet my parents. hahah. Things have been looking up.

eventfull.

failed, gifted, aggravated, grubbed, passed, frustrated, inflated, freaked, suceeded, smiled, tried, hurt.


my day, events and the way they made me feel.

Beautiful.

There's a fire forming, not too far from here
Along the east coast maybe, it resides in you, my dear
Worn out on our courtesy, we've made our curtain calls
Like vampire bats deprived of blood, into the New York City night we crawl

And you've got a funny way of showing off your bathroom surgery
You said you were just cooling down from plans of leaving me
There's something I should tell you, for we may not have much time
I've never met arms like yours

The stars at night are big and bright
Deep in your eyes, Miss Vincent
You told me once I made you smile
But we both know damn well I didn't
I'm not much of a jester, but I'd test poisoned food for you
Your majesty, you're royal blue
I'm loyalty, my king of pain

There's a hard rain falling, flooding your attic, it's clear
Can't put out the fire that resides in you, my dear
There's something I should tell you, for we may not have much time
I've never seen scars like yours

The stars at night are big and bright
Deep in your eyes, Miss Vincent
You told me once I made you smile
But we both know damn well I didn't
I'm not much of a jester, but I'd test poisoned food for you
Your majesty, you're royal blue
I'm loyalty, my king of pain

The stars at night are big and bright
Deep in your eyes, Miss Vincent
You told me once I made you smile
But we both know damn well I didn't
I'm not much of a jester, but I'd test poisoned food for you
Your majesty, you're royal blue
I'm loyalty, my king of pain

Cold.

It's so cold in Richmond, I can barely stand it anymore.

I'm broke, I don't have the money I need to buy Evan's christmas present. It's upsetting me so badly. I have 2 exams today, ones down, so therefore I have one more to go.
I lost my job I think, but I am still trying to figure it out.

This week is going to be good, christmas is coming soon, and my christmas present in a plane ticket to LA for a week in march. How amazing that's going to be .
I really want a new digital camera too, but Ill be able to get that with christmas money.

anyways, im hungry. no money.
that means shafer.

Today I'm fine,

without you.

I have so much,

disgust for people some. It's makes me want to throw up.

Anyways, lots of stress this past week. Things have deff gotten better though, I am ready for this semester to be over. Finally.

Miss my best friend,

miss my home.

inevitable.

Im fighting a losing battle. I feel as if theres only a matter of time before you leave me. Just like everyone else does..

I just can't bring myself to stop it. I care about you so much.

oh and the first picture I like of my back.

God,

The flowers Tori Brought me.

The last time I wrote in this was 8 days ago. I never got around to finishing the post really- I wanted to incorporate a picture of the flowers tori left me. I guess since I left off on such a depressing note, I might as well write how the last week and one day has been. And, you know it's had it's rocky patches, but it's gotten a lot better. I came home on tuesday and spent about 2 hours at home then left for the show. I was greeted by everyone I love, the people who have made me miss wilmington so much. The show was good, Outbreak was awesome as always. I really miss Evan though, it's weird hanging out with someone everyday then leaving them for like 5 or 6 days.


Last night we had a thanksgiving dinner for everyone at Britneys house and that was really nice. Thanksgiving dinner at home was a little irritating like always. Holidays normally aren't that fun here. But hey, thats life.

My mom and I went shopping though at 4 oclock in the morning on black friday. Ended up getting some really good shit, but spending 1300$ haha.

My oh my the damage we do.

I am going back to RVA tomorrow. Its good and bad all at the same time. Ill update again soon hopefully.

apparently

Today has been the worst day ever, but this is when you realize who your true friends are. Or who the people that really care are..

Tori, Thank you so much for the flowers and cookies, I can't express how something so little could make me feel warm the way I did. I wasn't expecting it at all but I am so thankful to know that someone is actually sincere in this town.

Lindsay, thank you for listening to me cry, and talk and make a mess of my words. You were the first person of the day I talked to. Thank you so much.

Britney, I don't even need to tell you what you did. Because it doesn't matter, I love you so much your are the best friend I have ever had in my life. Thank you for being here for me.

And last but not least.. My Mother, she could get me through anything.

So I went to the library and met up with my group around 4 today. It was abig help cause now I am not so stressed about the Election Paper, I am stressed about the Culture paper though. Jesus I can't handle all these papers.

Shafer. Lee's chicken. Tori suprising me, then guess the fuck what.. DITCHED. Thanks alot.

tea cup.

Im drinking a tea cup of sweet tea right now. I decided a glass of sweet tea, might give me a taste of how my mom used to make it when I was home.

This week has been one of the roughest I have had. I dont pick up my phone anymore but for a few select people because I am so depressed in my life, and don't feel like putting it on others. I really need to go home. I really need to see my friends and my family. My mom, god I miss her so much. Thanksgiving could not come soon enough. Richmond has done so many great things for me so far but has also brought me down more than I ever imagined. I thought the grass was always greener on the other side, but- I was so wrong.

People here are just as shitty as people everywhere else.

I haven't cried this much is forever, and I keep just moping around. Breaking down in crying spells here and there. I can't say this could have come at a worse time. Right before exams, right before home break, when I have all this work for school going on. Good god someone save me.

I would like to name one person in Richmond I think I can trust, that isn't my family, but I couldn't do it if I tried. Girls backstab you and no one is sincere. Lindsay Guvera the only person I have met while I have been here, is probably one of the sincerest and she doesn't even fucking live here, she lives in Fredericksburg.

Britney, her and my mom are the people who have been able to cheer me up a little bit today. While I should be excited about Kid Cudi, and I should be excited about the parties going on tonight, but im just a big ball of fucking mope.

I want my headache to go away, and I wanna go home. I want a hug from my mother.

Tuesday could not be here sooner.

this is

the weakest fucking point I have ever been at in my life.

november 10th was the last time, i wrote in here

and I just deleted that entry.

There's a whole lot of things going on in my life right now, but at the same time nothing. I feel like everytime I go to write about something that is going on in my life, once I get there, I just dont know what to say. It'd be easier if I had my head on straight, or my priorites together.

I guess thats what Im going to work on.

Ill keep you updated.

Mess.

I dont even know

When the last time I posted in this. It's been too long I guess, there is so many things that have been going on. But I really need to get back on track, I homework to make up and papers to write. My life has been so hectic and crazy these past two or three weeks, I don't know how I have made out through it all. There are so many stories that will go uncaptured because I let too much slip by, and now I don't have the time or want to even put forth the effort of explaining it all.


Too many parties, Obama was elected president, Britney crashed Josh's car in Richmond, Trash Talk show in Raleigh with Richmond people, lots of time with Evan, balcony falling in at a dance party -and people i care about getting hurt, withdrawling from a class. I need a fucking break dude.

My birthday was Nov3, got lots of money and its gone basically, but on what. I can't tell you ahah.
Went to starlite for it, yummy as halllleee.

I don't want to finish this, I probably will later.
Time to clean and shower, and work on papers.

The show last night was good for the two bands we saw. I would have liked to go see minus the bear but it was wayyyy expensive. ahha.


Anyways, Blake and I are getting back on track hopefully. I love him more than anything in this world. Except my mom haha. I don't know how I fucked things up with him so bad and almost lost him, I really regret everything...

Im breathing easy, and my heart isn't breaking so much anymore.

Douchebag.

Douchey Douchey Douche. Ass mother fucker. Shit cock, dick balls. Bitch.

home, again.

Back in Richmond now, it was such a long drive. Its nice to be back in richmond alone, without a worry right now though..

But I just read some of my recent blogs, and I feel like an idiot. haha.



I need to write this focused inquiry paper already and stop fucking procrastinating.

amazing weekend.

But now I must return to Richmond, Va. Getting ready to leave but I don't want too.

shit fuck.

Last night.

Friday & Friday night was amazing. Just hung out, got to spend time with my friends and people I havent hung out with in a long time. We ended up going to two different haunted houses and the first one was cool, but the second one was fucking scary and insane.

In the first one it was basically based off of Quarantine and like the last part of it was a fucking zombie rave party which was insane, so we had been screaming the whole time, and as soon as I got into it I was bouncing up and down with Dan dancing like a raver. haha. Funny shit.


The second one was just creepy as fuck. Everywhere you went someone was coming after you and shit haha, tonight we are partying at britneys house, and im going to be happy once all my friends get here.

I really need a cigarette now, I have had 2 all day and its 6pm. Damnnn.

"what the fuck are you even talking about?"

Then I explain.


Britney Eryn West. Quote un Quote.



Just got Zaxbys with Bwest and Chip it was good.
Haunted House tonightttt. Cheapp

straws.

so maybe it isn't so cold here afterall in NC.

i have a few straws left for this.
not handling it well.




torn, on the two ways to go.

home sweet..?

Last night was spent with my favorite people here, thank god. I needed a dose of them, just to keep me going at some times. Britney, Whitney and I went out to Brunswick County and met up with Shane, Zach, and Jarod. Three amazing people. no lie.


Zach and Shane especially because they make me so happy. And constantliy laughing around them is an enevitable thing.

I spent the day with my mom, and she made an amazing dinner, for me which I just got done eating. Steak, Sweet Potatoe w/brown sugar, Peas, and a roll. YUM :)

going home tomorrow, excited about seeing my boo. and being back in RVA.

nothing but a kiss.

It's been forever since I updated, I feel like I have neglected this so much.

Ive seen that I have taken up drinking more than I could have ever imagined. Its become a normal thing I guess, its never to the point of drunkness, just buzzed, for the people that know me this is weird correct?

Anyways, so Saturday was the last time I updated... 

From there in Columbia, SC Kristen, Jessie & I met up with Whitney, she packed all of her things to move in with me until she gets a job in Richmond, and a place or whatever.

So saturday night, on the way home we start to drink in the back of course. There are things that went downt that I am not even able to discuss on the internet for the eyes of other not to see. We decided to stop in Charlotte and hang out with some people, ended up meeting some amazing people I never knew exisited.

Im really hungry right now, so this is side tracking me quite some bit.

Anyways,

we get back at like fucking 6:30 in the morning. So whitney and I crash at Evan's. :)

Wake up and explore the day. Sunday was a great day, Monday was a great day as well. My cars falling apart though, I had my first day of work today, I already love it, and Im making bank which just makes it so so so much better.

Class has been lame, I missed it today because I had to take my car to the shopp... Lame right. Im going home thursday thank god, i miss my family and friends so much.

Im excited to see,

Britney, Zach&Shane, Jeremy, Danny, and whoever else haha.

My mom too.

Shafer to eat soon, then drinking again tonight of course haha.

carless.

It has hit me that when I get home from South Carolina tomorrow, Whitney will be with me, but I will most likely have no car. On the way to Kristens friday before we left for COLA, it was shaking badly and the tire looks like its going flat... This is not good.

Hopefully I can figure a way to get it to the service station Monday, and then get someone to get me back there eventually, I have work Tuesday. What the fuck, am I going to do...

Alright thats enough, I need to take  shower, it's 2:30.

I dont know what the fuck we are going to do today in South Carolina, I guess we will figure that out soon enough. I kind of just wanna hurry up and get back to Richmond, so I can figure this car situation out.

random road trip.

Today, was supposed to be boring and crazy near the end.

But, I am sitting outside of Shafer just met up with Kristen and Jessie and they metion wanting to go to Columbia, South Carolina to see this guy Kristen likes. It was a shock, because I have so many friends here. Immediently I jumped on the opportunity of coming here. So now, its 1:37 in the morning, I am sitting in a hotel room with Jessie, Joey, Kristen and myself. I am waiting for Steven, Whitney, and two other people I don't know to come pick me up. So fucking stoked I miss them all so much.

Love love love.

Last night was fucking amazing.

I get to see lindsay Sunday.

I have my first day of work Tuesday, and wednesday night was pretty fucking funny too. Hung out with new people I absolutely love. God I am loving this.

Ramble is complete.

my tooth

is fixed. hahah fuck yeah. so happy about this.

Dance partttty tonight? excited about that too.

Im really sick of people/friends being rude to me for reasons that aren't good enough.

Ehhhh fuck.

my tooth

is fixed.

so abrupt

It's extremely early for me to be up right now. But I have a dentist appointment to fix my tooth that I chipped the fuck off on sunday while eating at chillis, a salad, retarded right?

I made a mixed CD to bring with me on the way there called "Love" its absolutely amazing. Things are a lot better today, last night hung out with the girls for a little bit, then birthday person.

Then came back to my dorm and enjoyed myself with Jane and Eryn. Eventually Laura came around, these girls are pretty amazing. :)

Today is so busy, final interveiw at Blue Heron Bags, to fill out my paperwork and fun stuff like that, get me on the schedule too. Im so excited, 10$ an hour is going to be rolling in bank for me, with my low rates for being a student. I will finally have money.

I really miss Britney, I wish she could hurry up and get here, things would be a lot easier this way, I get pretty lonely sometimes without her. But the funny thing is, we talk more now then we did when I lived home. I know this girl will  be my best friend forever.

Ill update more later, 2 classes today.

good

Today was a good beginnninggggg.

I woke up around 1:45 took a shower got ready for class, and went. Only for a little bit though today. Then I came home and now im working on my laundry, hanging out with fee tonight :) yay. And hopefully kristen and jessie.

Love it.

texting

Today turned out better than I expected? Since I was drunk betwenn 5-7 I met alot of people in my dorms, I never would have. I hung out with a cool new friend named Laura and we ate toquitos. First time I have had them from 7/11 it made me happy. And then we had fun.

The day was shit, but it got better. Good enough to eat, and good enough to sleep. So now my stomach is not empty and neither is my head.

no title.

My stomach is empty.

And I have so much going on right now, there is so much that needs to be done, and accomplished its stupid.

So nostalgic, all the god damn time.

who im after?

Today was a fucking blur. A fucking mix of terrible emotions.

I want to supress everything that engulfs my mind, I want to be the light hearted spirit I am. I know they say nothing lasts forever but im so lost in my mind.

So today, I tried to sleep. I tried to sleep, all day. It didnt work though, my mind is to jumbled and my room is destroyed from last night. I guess my anger decided to come out. I just don't remember tearing everything apart inside this 5x5 shit room. So today, tori, briana and I went to chilis, I figured I needed to eat after eating nothing for the past 2 days. Even though tomorrow will begin another set of those couple of days, where I smoke so many cigarettes, and drink so much water I can fill myself up. I get comfort from the feeling of an empty stomach esp when I am empty on the inside.

After chilis we bought cigarettes, and went to Matt's house, who is keeping aslyn my kitten for me. Then we went to tori's to get aslyn and bring him back to matts. By that time, I figured I was going for the worst tonight, I went to felicias afterwards to hang out with her some on her birthday. I had to leave though. Jessie and her boyfriend took me to taco bell, then now I am here in my dorm. Safe, sound and sober. For now.

I am about to begin the journey, of learning how to not expect so much out of people. You can't expect good things out of anyone, because you will always get let down, no matter what.

I have realized that I set my standards entirely too high for anyone to ever meet them, they will always let you down, no matter who it be.

Give up on hope.

i am

so numb.

redbull & vodka.

First things first, its 6:36 in the morning, what the hell am I doing awake?

I don't know what im going to do about my kittes for today, the maintence is coming to Tori's apartment and I have no where to take them while they do come.. :( fuck.

Next, last night I was introduced to the most amazing thing ever, something I had heard but never done. Actually drink alcohol, and like it. Ha. What a joke. Me like it? YEEEESSS I DID.

Kate and Vanna showed me how to do these things called bullshits, with a shot of vodka and a shot of red bull, and my god you can't even fucking taste it. Nuts. I KNOW?

Im going to make breakfast in a couple of hours, I really need to get back in bed and sleep some more, I went to bed @ 2 after the cops busted the party on Cary, like they always do. And came home and passed out. The only thing was, is that I never really passed out, third stage sleep, no rem sleep, just crazy ass dreams, the ones you wake up to and have to decipher wether or not it was real. Well those were my dreams.

I guess you just can't sleep on redbull and vodka.

you'll never know.

Minus what I said before. NFG was amazing last night, as well as ADTR. Thank you. That's all  I needed, I guess with that kind of show it feels like a little piece of home. Despite the drama, or sucommbing to uncomfortable feelings it was overall good.

My throat is finally better. Now I have to get rid of my congestion and stuffy nose. Ewww.

I got to see Josh Smiz last night and his girlfriend who I got to meet too she was sweet. Hopefully they will read this :)

Ive been really stressed out the past two weeks. Two panic attacks in a matter of 6 days give some take some. It's rediculous. I just caan't make them stop, its like out of nowhere they come and hit me like a brick truck and then im sitting in my room for an hour heaving and crying..? I think I have figured out the causes of them, since I am such a introvert, I don't normally talk about my problems, esp. now that I am in Richmond. I don't have Blake anymore, or my mom, or Britney down the street to call or see and explain whats going on in my life, or at least get it off my chest. I just end up letting these things all build up then I explode. BOOM. And anyone that gets caught in my attacks, tends to think im just a little crazy. I mean maybe I am?

who knows.

re run.

I am sitting in my room. Which is quite a mess if you don't know. Its actually really bad right now, ahah. I have so much clothing and so much laundry to do its insane. I just dont even want to start it. I am kind of hungry too, so I might eat before I go to math class. Depending on what kind of time I have after I write. I am really excited about the show tonight. Because they are some of the favorties you know?

Lalalala. I really have nothing to write about right now.

I mean I have plenty of things I have to do, actually I have a huge list sitting beside me. I also have a list of shows beside me I want to go too.

wtf?

Im sitting in the student commons waiting for my psyc class to start and to fail the test I am nowhere near ready for. I guess I should just give up in this class.

I thought I would reflect that now that I am in college and being forced to grow up, I am happy. I am truly finally happy with my life. There might be little shit going on that can bother me quite a lot or rain on my day. But nothing could bring me down like I was in Wilmington.

I finally am myself around people and don't feel so uncomfortable with who I am. The diversity here eats me alive. I feel so content, I don't feel like people are looking at me scorning. Maybe I should stop talking...?

thanks, goodbye.

out of place.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor finally for my throat. Apparently it is not strep, its just olcers and postules with puss in them thats how bad the infection is. Apparently.

I guess I am just bound to be sick or feeling shitty at all times, I wonder if this throat infection has something to do with the bite on my stomach. just a weird random animal bite. I dont know what animal it is or where the hell it came from but it itches like a mother fucker and a mosquito just does not cut it.

I can't stop listening to the new acacia strain cd, it reminds me so much of home its crazy, and I dont even know why.

I had an interveiw this morning, for a daycare position at The Virginia Country Club, man was I out of fucking place when I got there. This is a high scale place, and im walking around with my lip pierced, everyone looked. No one smiled. Very odd. I hope I got the job though, I informed her that I could take the lip ring out while at work, and hopefully thats good enough for her. If not I have another interveiw on saturday for a place at Short Pump. I know. The mall, again.

Fuck.

This cd, is literally amazing. Fuck what you say.

I miss home a lot, already. I miss britney and my friends. I miss hanging out with Jeremy. I miss Grant. I miss my mom the most though. God Damn.

Getting a stud for my lip soon?

Fear Before Show tonight, should be interesting.

A day to Remember & NFG tomorrow night, should be fucking epic.

The Cool Kids & Shwayzee friday night, should be my first rap concert haha.

I need to continue to update but im lost.

hate.

I had a very good weekend. Things seemed great until I got back to my dorm. Where guess what my roommate decided to put a note underneath my door, saying "Please clean your dishes, and throw your brownies out". It really irritates me that someone is trying to be my mom even when I am away from home. I'm sitting in my room now, listening to her and her mother and whoever else is out there talk shit. About how I am 16, and I am being pissy because I left Jazmin a note back saying "I was out of town this weekend, because my mother had emergency surgery OR they would have been done, PS. please don't touch or rearrange my things when I am not around"

I don't know where to go or what to do with this whole situation. I'm fucking furious though.

My silverware were rearranged.

My plates were rearranged.

There was trash of hers on my shower rack I bought to hang my stuff up on. EW.

She takes all of the racks in the shower room so I don't get to hang my stuff up. 

She has thermostat wars with me and puts it on heat when its already 80 outside.

She fucking leaves her hairs all over the sink basin near MY toothbrush.

I am so fucking over this.

I can't wait till I don't have to live with her anymore.

I thought that I had made a happy medium with things, but I guess not. I'm going to take matters into my own hands.

Fuck you.

anyways, North Carolina this weekend was phenomenal you have no idea. I had such an amazing time, whitechapel show friday night, party for me saturday night, saw blake today and then drove home.

things are getting better, at least i hope i am getting my head straight and less stressfull.

this week is going to be nuts. soooo much going on.

3 shows. 1 interveiw. 1 visitor. 2 tests.

I really hope she doesn't think I am that stupid, and that I can't hear her talking shit.

pretend it doesn't hurt.

It's been a couple days, and what an eventful couple of days.
I seem to be only hurting myself and others everyday.

I ended things with Blake, I feel like I need to be single in order to get my shit straight and start focusing on school and not my relationship. I love him, literally with everything I have, but for right now, I think it's best for me. Maybe I'll regret this, but then I'll know it was not meant to be if it doesn't happen.

Im going home this weekend, and im starting to get axious. I miss my family so much it's insane. I am probably going to the whitechapel show on friday so I can visit everyone. :) and Im going to stay the night with britney one of those nights. God, I miss home.

Today is my lazy day. Which I should be getting things done, but I am not. I am just laying in bed. And at 1:30 I am going to get up and take a shower. I dont feel like doing it right now, I know I had some things I had to do.
Sorry, I am not that interesting, my mind says a lot, but my heart won't let it down.

my oh my.

friday, was un productive, i went to class, and hung out with people. very important people. the kegger last night at fee's was fun as well. even though I don't drink beer. it was funny watching everyone get really drunk haha.

today is so far uneventful. I just woke up not too long ago,

and I dont know plans for today, there is a show at the canal club but im not sure if i really wanna go to this.

whatever, this will be short and sweet.

ouch.

The muscles/bones in my tail, and lower region are extremely sore. Wtf. I rode that damn bike I got for two hours yesterday and I plan on riding it more today.

Went over to Felicia's last night, and that was a good time. No joke. She is awesome, they played acacia strain, which made me miss home and grant, more than I already do. I just wanna know everyone is doing good there you know?

This bitch in my focused inquiry class, will probably get rocked soon, no joke. I don't understand why people think its okay to make fun of others for no reason, from what I thought, we were out of Highschool.

fucker

finally

finally it is a little refreshing in my dorm today,

i find myself happy with this feeling.

got my bike today, and took it to bunny hop (thanksjoshsmiz) and they said they will probably have it finished today! so i can finally ride it ! wooo. im so tired of driving a car. urgh.

I have a paer to write tonight but that will be easy.

Im going grocery shopping too!

having silent battles with my room mate,

and i woke up at 8 this morning. to get things done.

my dad sent me a letter finally and two pictures of him,

gosh i miss him so much. i had forgot what he looked like.

i hope he gets out soon. i want him to do good for once.

thats enough.

Expository Essay for Focused Inquiry. My work.

Savannah Revis
Focused Inquiry Expo Essay
9/15/06

Growing Skin

It has been years of wondering, “am I good enough?” “Am I able to accomplish my goals?” Every child has insecurities, many more than others and that’s the beginning of the venture in growing skin; to become comfortable with who we are and to love the inside and out.
I moved around during elementary school. It began to lead me to many complications and more pain inevitably because I was starting over everywhere I went. I had to make new friends in three different schools over a period of five years. A miserable timeless transition that never ended had become the story of my life. By that time I was with my mother and my new “Step Father” We never really got along, and I was still battling wether I felt good enough to be his child. I was only used to my mother and being hers, just hers. Family members began to comment on my weight as it piled on from the sinking depression I had entered.
Considering everything I had been through previous to elementary school, childhood was easy. Sixth grade was when weight gain exceeded. Sharp words and tears learned how to go hand in hand everyday after school, they played a huge role in my life. The children in my classes would pick, nag, steal, and emotionally tear me down. Until now I never realized how hateful children could be. I was low. I was beginning to believe I was never going to be good enough for anyone. Soon we were all entering a world unfamiliar, something we didn’t know- middle school. The eighth graders were the rulers of the school. In this world they were considered the superior ones, and we had to follow their rules. We had to look up to them. I remember sitting in the halls watching them walk by and scorn at us because we were children compared to them. They had been doing this thing for three years now and for us it was not going to get easier.
The continuum of getting picked on was never ending. It just got worse, as the weight gain continued and puberty hit, the acne also arisen. Not only was I now fatty, I was pizza face. I wanted so bad to stop looking at my friends and wishing I had their perfect little bodies or perfect skin. I wanted to be someone else, but no matter how hard I wished I still woke up the same every morning. Soon I became violent, and angry with the world; I was hateful; I wanted nothing to do with anyone who cared about me. Being petrified of getting hurt by people I cared about became my biggest fear. Words: they had became my worst enemy and every word I could hear seemed to shoot me down bringing everyone that cared about me down with me. I learned how to use the words back, and eventually all it did was hurt more. What once were children were now young teenagers and they didn’t stop even when I fought back. I could be scary, I could be angry. They would never stop. I began to believe it was human nature to tear people down. I started to wonder why. What did I do to deserve this?
Although, the physical appearance was not where the emotional issues started; they were deep-rooted from child hood memories, and this is where it starts to get personal. I was living without a caring father figure and a young single mother who had to do everything in her power to make ends meet for my life and hers. The constant struggle becomes a down pour, raining on my parade. Since my father was never a big part of my life, I was confused. I saw all my friends who had these perfect family homes where everyone spent enormous amounts of time with each other and every child seemed to be getting the adequate amount of attention they needed. “Is there a reason I didn’t receive this?” In my discoveries it was all just the cards I was handed in life. It was a test of god, an obstacle for me to become stronger and to better myself in many ways others were not able too.
Eventually after my elementary and middle school years I was able to accomplish a great deal. I dropped weight, I made friends that cared about me and loved who I was, and I even had a couple boyfriends who I accredited to be “hott”. What teenage girl didn’t want to date a guy that was absolutely gorgeous? I had found guys that thought I was attractive and liked me for me and I continued to find them after the previous relationship would end. I still wasn’t finding myself to be comfortable with who I really was though. I was finally gaining confidence, and people liked me and people wanted to be around me. But I was still having trouble with being in my own skin and being comfortable in it. I considered myself a weak person, there would still be times where I would get picked on and it continued to hurt me, maybe more so then it had in the past depending on the content of the insults.
During all these periods of time all I was really looking for was acceptance, maybe acceptance from myself, but more so from others. I wanted people to understand what I was going through and to cut me a break because all they were doing was making it worse. When you look at a human being you can not tell what their life has consisted of or what kind of things that person has been through. To find these things takes time; more than just a couple of hours of sitting and discussing life. I feel like in order to understand someone you have to have an understanding of different lifestyles and where people come from. These people and children who had picked on me for so long had no idea what I had been through. This began to infuriate me even more.
Now, I am watching my younger brother Zachary go through the same thing. He is only nine years old, but believe it or not weight gain starts to affect children's self esteem at a young age. There were three young boys about his age that he played with everyday for weeks when we first moved into the neighborhood and one day these children decided to pick on Zach, which of course really hurt his feelings. Instead of running and crying like I had always did when I was his age, the hostility set in and he decided to punch one of them in the face. The parents of the children that were picking on Zach did nothing, they just banned them from playing with my little brother ever again. There was no recollection of why Zach might have done this to their son, they said their apologies to my parents and that was that. I watched this all happen in the blink of and eye. The fact that todays society is teaching kids it’s not necessarily okay to pick on children for being over weight but it’s acceptable and there will be no punishment for their actions is repulsive. I watched my little brother lose every friend he had in the neighborhood that month, it got so bad to where he could not ride the bus home because kids would call him fat and pick on him.
I feel like one day he will reach the point I am at; I have grown into my skin and learned to love everything about my body, from my acne prone skin to my thick hips and average sized waist. My heart goes out to him because I know how much it hurts and how hard it is to keep your head up when you have others bringing you down. But this is how children and people become stronger and that is through hard times, and being insulted or constantly let down. You will never grow into your own skin until you are fully comfortable with who you are and what you look like on the inside and out. One day I hope that every human will be able to reach this point and every child as well. The first step is to change how society looks at the body, and the most important part starts through childhood. Every parent should be teaching their child that it is not okay to pick on others for the way they look. Everyone deserves to grow their own skin right?

so maybe

i have so much to vent
but i feel quite better now that I have finished my final draft for my EXPO essay for my focused inquiry class...



I am going to post it! :) So tell me what you think so seriously.

mind eraser drug

tonight, i have so much to do. and i dont even know how im going to get it all done.

so many people are making and trying to make plans i dont know what to do with myself. i just need to lock myself in my room and stay there forever. i didnt want to get up this morning and thats because last night was a late night.

try 4 oclock like always.

we went to the hot lave show which turned out pretty well and i actually enjoyed myself, tokyo the first band deff blew me away and i decided to listen to them for now. a lot of people went.

theres a lot of things right now on my mind I wish i could talk about and how bad things are bothering me, but i cant because its the internet and I dont know how many people follow this ting. this is adjitatiing. i just want to be able to explain everything in my mind so i can get it out.


I still need my money from Aunt Allison for watching her crazy dogs, I still need to finish writing my paper for Focused Inquiry. Which is due tomorrow. That is number one priority, I have a Word Prompt due tomorrow for Math 131. and I need to schedule the kitties spay and neuters at the SPCA. My Univ 101 paper is due friday and I need to get stamps for letter I have to mail but I don't know where to get them around here. I need to study my psyc and actualy read the chapters. Im so overwhelmed right now its rediculous. I just listed out all the things that are racing through my mind. I need to go grocery shopping and I need to get my mind straight.

There is so much left here. But Im mentally and physically exhausted. I can't go on right now.

weekend warrior.

I don't know where I left off. But here goes a quick run down.


Friday night, Vanna and I went to a mexican themed party for alittle while. After that got old it was about time for Blake to finally get here. So we walk tons to get over to Cary St. where parties are. We get there and Blake arrives. So vanna goes and parts her ways, i love her though, so much fun to hang out with. So vanna goes and Blake picks me up and we go back to my dorm and eat some food. Get ready for bed and snuggle as I pass out quickly. We woke up saturday around 2. Then we get ready and go to Oscar's to check on my kittens. They were good so we go get food and decide to go to Carytown. The shops were awesome! First time I have been to them. Then saturday night, we hung out at oscars some and drank a little then eventually came back to my dorm to snuggle and sleep some more.

He left today :( and I already miss him so much.

My step dad finally knows about him. I think it's pretty crazy.

Im at aunt katies now hanging out with her and doing some laundry, watching charlies angels and writing the rest of my focused inquiry paper.

Im done babbling. yeah.

peice of shit.

My car is a piece of shit. Last night we were on our way to the west end to hang out with Dub and it like blew up or some shit. Overheated started smoking. It was the radiator of course. Im not an idiot when it comes to care but WHAT THA FUCK!!! Im so over my piece of shit car and everything else.

I had my RIchmond SPCA orientation this morning. It was nice. I am very excited about this.
Then I found out my kittes can get neutered soon for free since I am a full time student! yay.


Shots and deworming for the babies this weekend, dont wan them to get sick.
Class at two, I need to shower bad... Ew. I don't want to even go to class. I need more time to acoomplish some goals.
Somehow I must make it to the car place today to pick up my car...? I dont know you tell me how im supposed to get there. No transportation whatsoever.

Fuck everything.

Blake will be here tonight. Good.

no time.

I don't have much time to write but I figure I'd spill real quick before, I went to pysc class where I am actually going to pay attention in it today.

Last night, I hung out and did homework. Then met up with Kristen and Jessie and WalMart to get cat food and shit for my babies. I love them so much, they make me so happy. I can't remember if I wrote in this yesterday or not hahah. Anyways, this morning I had to work. i really enjoyed it today though. We stood between the Virignia Commons and Library and passed out flyers and I have free tickets. But I don't know who listens to Hot Lava or this other band I can't spell. but they are really good. I plan on going to that show Monday night, and I have tickets so if anyone reads this and wants to go. Let me know. The band that is headling is like pop electro techno fun stuff :)

I guess im going to class soon. Then go check on my kittes and play with them some more. I don't know whats going on tonight, but I know I have SPCA Orientation tomorrow. Then I have classes. Then my boyfriend will be here. Finally. I miss him so much all the time.

It's not fun waking up in someones arms for three months straight and then have it taken away from you.
Ill update more, just give me some time.

limo adventure.

Last night Jessie's dad rented a limo and sent it to pick us up. His directions were to get drunk in the limo with our friends. Thats what we decided to do. It was a long night, and got even longer when I got back to my dorm. The ride consisted of Jessie, Virginia (her roomate), Wes (jessies friend), and I. Then we perceeded to pick up jessies dad in short pump and drop him off at the lakeside tavern. Then we rode around more. Picked up someone who could buy us alocohol, piked up kate. We waited for Vanna to finish getting her haid done for a long time. The story goes on but basically, it was an insane night. Not least of the expected.


I woke up this morning, not able to get out of the bed. Blake had called to wake me up for class. But as soon as the phone hung up I went back to sleep. I was not going to make it to my Mass 105 class.. no way. SO I didn't go. Then I finally got up. I realized I had a 1500 word essay due in focused inquiry (please god shoot me) and it was due today at 2 oclock. I wrote as much as I could for a rough draft and brought what I had with me. It ended up working out nicely.

Its 3:28 now, and I have math @ 4. God I don't want to go to that. I need a good texting buddy to keep me company all through it but I'll get lucky if that happens.

Tonight, is a restful night, hopefully I mean it this time. After I get out of class I am going to see and check on my kittens for a little bit. Hoepfully grab some shafer later on tonight when I get back. Then come home and work on assignments that I have due so I can get them out of the way.

Thanks for the blurb.

empty

There was no way out, the only way out was to give in
There was no way out, the only way out was to give in
How I love to give in

Here no one sleeps, one lays up while the other lies down
Where no one sleeps, one lays up while the other lies down
Ask the line on your face what the line on your hand meant
We couldn't see what was coming

Shake your head it's empty
Shake your hips move your feet
Shake your head it's empty
Shake your hips move your feet

I'm so glad that I'm an island now

Sickness was fixing me some
Coughed out my heart in the last stall
Now that the damage is done
I never miss it at all

nausea.

Woke up this morning feel hott and sweaty. I guess I had a temperature and it finally broke. People wouldn't stop calling me and waking me up and it got aggrivating. I have a exam tomorrow and I am not really ready for it. I guess after this exam im going to buckle down in this class so I can do good. Pysc101 kicking my ass.

I miss my friends from home a lot today for some reason. I miss britney the most though. She seems miserable in Wilmington, and it makes me hate myself so much for leaving people behind. My mom is sick and she is not doing well, therefore I am angry at myself again. Blake misses me and doesn't do anything with his time anymore except work and go home. I just feel like im winning but losing more so. I really need to make a visit to home soon.

I feel like I have dwindled away from there.

On another note Mirage and Aslyn are doing good. I suppose I need to take them to the SPCA soon to get shots and to figure out what they need done. They are flea free though which makes me happy.

I think I have done really good in updating this thing. I am proud.

Time to study and read psycology chapters.

Woo. SYKE!

adoring.

It's 3 AM on Sunday night. Time to spill. I don't have class till tomorrow @ 2.

I got my lip pierced today. I guess something I had been waiting to do for years.

I really wanted my medusa done. But I am trying to wear my septum down from now on and that would just be too much going on. So I went with something I always wanted. I guess the only thing left is a little diamond stud in my nose. 

I feel so rediculous for getting all this since I moved, but I couldn't when I lived at home. My parents cared too much about my appearance.

Anyways, Mirage and Aslyn are the sweetest things that I have ever see. They are at oscar's now and I think they like it there, I know he will take good care of the babies and if he doesn't i will hurt him. hahha.

Oscar is such an amazing person. I love him so much it's rediculous. He is my best friend here. I talk to him and hang out with him more than anyone here, and I guess that is the way I like it. He has got such a good heart and so much potentioal, he loves with his whole heart too, just like me.

I just texted Grant, I really miss him. He was such a great person to me, and the best big brother I could have. It's nice to know even thoug we don't talk that much he will still care about me the same.

Finally, this is the first time all day my lip isn't hurting. It has been hurting so bad. I didn't expect this kind of pain hahah. Im such a baby.

Anyways, Blake and I are great. I love him so much. He got me through tonight and feeling sick and missing home, and my mom. Thank god for that boy, I don't know where I would be without him.

I miss my mom too. So much. I feel like I have been going crazy without her. I am thinking about going home soon to visit. I just know if I go home then I have to see Blake and everyone else too, and I just feel so stressed about all of it. Not that it's bad I have to go see people. But just that it stresses me out. I wanna be able to spend like quality time with everyone. I just don't get that lucky then.

I feel like I have wrote too much already.

Summer left today, we had a good time. She got this weird part of her ear pierced today and thats when I got my lip. My outline should be done this weekend! AND I can finally go see it!

Lovelovelove, time for bed finally.

kittens!

currently in my dorm room there are 2 baby kittens i got last night.

i am keeping them at oscars and im so excited about it :)

love it.

400 hundred

pushing 400 hundred people at the party last night on porters street. maybe even more. 

so many the floor caved in. my god.

it was insane and fun., the hurricane isn 't really hitting like it should be..

but whatever.

Blake and I are okay now , as in back together. No more breaks. I just miss him.

Summer is here for the weekend and I don't know the plans for tonight. But they should be good.

Hungry, for galaxy tonight.

SI, mamiii.

charlies angels .dot.dot.

It's 3:30 AM, ON THURSDAY NIGHT. Even though this will say Friday and some weird time.

Anyways.

Im not going to ramble on what I did tonight, even though I would like.

I finished my laundry but the important part is,

Kristen, Jessie and I were driving back to the dorms.

It's 2 in the morning and on the corner of Laurel and Cary St. there is a young man just laying on the sidewalk. He looked not so good you know?

told Kristen to turn around and lets see if he was okay,

so we did. His name was Gene, he got kicked out of the bar. We decided to give him a ride home all the way in the west end because he couldn't stop talking about how horrible his day was so maybe we could make it better by giving him a free ride? I mean what could it hurt.

He screamed at police the whole ride home.

While on 64West we tell him we are the charlies angels. He will wake up in the morning not remembering how he got home but just the fact that charlies angels saved him.

Kristen-blonde

Jessie-red

Me-black

Intresting right?

I start my new job tomorrow. I really hope I will be able to wake up, I got a sidekick today and realized it didn't have an alarm.

shitfuck

cold

It's so cold in my room right now,  just finished my homework. I am going to dinner tonight, and hopefully sipping on some alcohol. I have work tomorrow @ 11am. Earliest I am going to be getting up in a long time. Don't know if I will stay out late tonight since I stayed out till 5 last night... and slept till 2:30pm today..

There is something important though that just came into my life. An internship with Victory Records this spring, or this summer. In CHICAGO!!!

:)

I will love my life.

a break..

I guess I needed a break? I don't know all the reasons why and this is the way I am going to figure it all out. I feel like I am relieveing myself of many things though.

I am already realizing how much I really do love him. I feel so much rushing through me as I smoke this camel crush, and low to the melodic tunes of Cursive and Girl Talk.

Ask yourself. Do you know what love is? Do you know what it's like to feel real?

Talking to Jessie and Sean tonight about how here I am relieved. I don't stress hard or freak out easily everything seems so happy. I finally reached the point I worked so hard to get too. I am acomplished, I am me. I am euphoric. The drugs don't slow the method down whatsoever.

It's 4AM in the morning. What am I doing awake?

The smell of my inscense burning in my room, the four blankets, the tapestries, the feeling of not worrying about leaving my computer on, or having things all over my floor. I am comfortable. I am responsible. I am rambling.

The pixies is now ringing in my head.

Happiness, goodbye.

waiting?

I have class in less than an hour,

the Focued Inquiry class, I absolutely hate.

Then an hour after I get out of that class is Math,

which I finished my homework.

Today is Blake and I's 5th month of relationship. But offical four.

There is a good show tonight, and friday night. But I doubt I'll go to ethier.

I start work tomorrow hoepfully, depending on the schedule of things.

I am excited, freeeeee tickets. 

New Found Glory 'Kiss me' just came on.

That's my que.

OKAY, Im back.. Focused Inquiry wasn't bad today.. But still.

I felt like I needed to edit this entry because I have so much going on in my head today.

Work, School, Food, Sleep, Dance, Yoga, Smoke, Dry, Smell.

Don't ask?

My bike is still not here, its infuriating me, my tattoo outline should be done soon, i am getting a new sidekick, and money i need money.

$$$ bling

Posted after Math Class, boredom!

misconception

It's currently 2:33 AM. I left Oscar's around one thirty because I was getting so tired. I wasn't supposed to stay out tonight because I had homework but of course. I went out, I can't keep myself from not. I feel like I make these plans to be productive, and I can't. It's not that I have missed anything or anything hasn't gotten done. It's just I have freedom and I am not used to it being this way. There is so much for me to do here, and so much potential in the city that I feel like I have to go out. I can't just sit around and waste away...

I still have math 131 work to do, which I will start soon, stay up late and rise so early. Tomorrow is a no go though, I must stay in. Work is due thursday and friday and it's important. I must read as well. Chapters of Pyschology which by th way I am not looking forward too.

I miss my boyfriend. Even though the arguments we have, are stressin. I am moving on with it.  I know no ever human being has loved me the way he does, and I should be more gratefull for it.

After I got home tonight though, Hot Sauce decided to text to say hey. Ended up coming out to my dorm for a bit to chill and I finally met J-mait, then we walked to 7/11, which I can't get enough of... Then back to my room. To find myself here rambling on about stuff no one will ever read or care about.

Blake, please come home. Home as in here. Where my heart is.

Spinning in an incontrollable circle.

That's all for now. Im pathetic.

a new beginning to an end?

september 2nd, what a day so far.

i've gone in circles for days in my head,

i miss nala, i miss home.

i love richmond, theres just so much missing here.

got a job today, finally. street team, free tickets. i guess thats an exciting thing to say. cash compensation too. 

making dinner for myself tonight, and staying in.

too much of this going going going, im gone.